One of those nights...

Tonight is hard. I cried for the first time in about 2 weeks (which makes me realize that although we think we're over something or someone, we really aren't.) I'm feeling angry that he was taken away from me. He was my everything, he was all I had, and now I'm all alone. He was taken away at one of the worst possible times - when my academic career is coming to a halt and the uncertainties and anxieties begin. What did I do to deserve having my baby taken away from me??

Today, I cleared his eating area and put everything away. It's so empty now. Perhaps I acted too quickly on this. I also dug out some of his pictures from happier and younger days. Tonight was the last night for burning his candle (until the 1 year anniversary). And now the "magic" is gone.

It is all too clear now that my little boy is not coming back. He is gone forever. And now it is time for me to go to sleep in my empty bed.

1995


2009