Well, I reluctantly decided to visit a recognized breeder of Himmys (Himalayans) and Persians today. I really wasn't sure if I would be ready, but I actually sensed an amazing feeling of peace and refreshment. I know Fluffy was there in spirit to help me along. I enjoyed petting all the sweet cats, and admired the tiny kittens. The breeder and I had a good long chat about my decision to get a kitten so close to the passing of my beloved boy, and we discussed all sorts of things. Initially, I was smitten with a playful little fella, but he is a white male Persian, and I just couldn't do it. I discovered an adorable little female Seal Tortie Point Himalayan with Lynx coat pattern. She is only 2 weeks old at the moment, so there is lots of time before I bring her home (about 8 weeks). I felt that Fluffy would be happy with my selection, and he would be supportive.
Tonight is a different story, and I'm wondering if I made my decision too suddenly because I'm feeling a tremendous sense of guilt. I'm leaning on the idea that I will be more prepared to welcome her in 2 months. Of course, nights are always the worst time for me for missing my precious baby boy, so that may have an impact. Not only do I feel guilty about "replacing Fluffy", but I feel guilty about not feeling the joy and excitement for her as I did with him. Watching her grow will not be as exciting as my little man. How terrible of me!! I'm also feeling a sense of anxiety about her (how long will she live? Will she develop early problems/illnesses? What will she be like? etc.)
In a way, I feel like I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place. Part of me knows that I am unable to go on without an animal in my life. My apartment is way too empty and life is too lonely with nobody. After all, Fluffy was my everything. But another part of me wants her little man back into her life and knows that he will never be able to be compared to another cat. Welcoming my new kitten will not be the same as when I welcomed Fluffy into my life. I don't feel that "instant joy and anxiousness to start our lives together" as I did with him. Is this wrong? Will I feel bitter at times? Anyway, hopefully with time, I will feel differently.
Well, here is the new kitten. She sure is adorable, isn't she? I'm thinking of naming her "Prada".
My smile is there, but there is still a lot of pain in my eyes.
Prada's beautiful mother, Sparrow