Sunday, March 21, 2010

God never closes a door without opening another...??

Well, I reluctantly decided to visit a recognized breeder of Himmys (Himalayans) and Persians today. I really wasn't sure if I would be ready, but I actually sensed an amazing feeling of peace and refreshment. I know Fluffy was there in spirit to help me along. I enjoyed petting all the sweet cats, and admired the tiny kittens. The breeder and I had a good long chat about my decision to get a kitten so close to the passing of my beloved boy, and we discussed all sorts of things. Initially, I was smitten with a playful little fella, but he is a white male Persian, and I just couldn't do it. I discovered an adorable little female Seal Tortie Point Himalayan with Lynx coat pattern. She is only 2 weeks old at the moment, so there is lots of time before I bring her home (about 8 weeks). I felt that Fluffy would be happy with my selection, and he would be supportive.

Tonight is a different story, and I'm wondering if I made my decision too suddenly because I'm feeling a tremendous sense of guilt. I'm leaning on the idea that I will be more prepared to welcome her in 2 months. Of course, nights are always the worst time for me for missing my precious baby boy, so that may have an impact. Not only do I feel guilty about "replacing Fluffy", but I feel guilty about not feeling the joy and excitement for her as I did with him. Watching her grow will not be as exciting as my little man. How terrible of me!! I'm also feeling a sense of anxiety about her (how long will she live? Will she develop early problems/illnesses? What will she be like? etc.)

In a way, I feel like I'm caught in between a rock and a hard place. Part of me knows that I am unable to go on without an animal in my life. My apartment is way too empty and life is too lonely with nobody. After all, Fluffy was my everything. But another part of me wants her little man back into her life and knows that he will never be able to be compared to another cat. Welcoming my new kitten will not be the same as when I welcomed Fluffy into my life. I don't feel that "instant joy and anxiousness to start our lives together" as I did with him. Is this wrong? Will I feel bitter at times? Anyway, hopefully with time, I will feel differently.

Well, here is the new kitten. She sure is adorable, isn't she? I'm thinking of naming her "Prada".

Baby Prada

My smile is there, but there is still a lot of pain in my eyes.

Prada's beautiful mother, Sparrow


The Rattie Crew said...

Based on some of the conversations I've had with friends and co-workers who have lost a pet, each person is different when it comes to mourning. You have to do what feels best for you. Are you ready to open your heart and home to another cat? Some of my friends mention wanting another cat or dog quickly because the house feels so empty while others like to wait for awhile until they feel ready. And you are not replacing Mr. Fluffy since he was unique and special in his own way just like a new cat will be unique and special in their own way. It was years before I wanted another dog but those were different circumstances and I was very young. It's how you feel...if you have any doubts may be wait? Maybe others who have lost a cat can give you better advice. Oh, Prada is some cute!!

diddleymaz said...

I have always felt the best thing is to quickly get a new fur baby! in my exsperiance with my own children (4) and their pets and( my self!) brooding on an empty nest is much worse than welcoming a new friend. I always felt the lost pet led us to the new one!Prada is adorable and Im sure Mr Fluffy helped pick her out for you!